You can't turn on the cable television these days without being reminded about latest disaster poised to destroy western civilization, and I'm not talking about American/Australian/New Zealand Idol here, I'm talking about the Obesity Epidemic.

Sadly modern-life has made us blow up like balloons. I'm sure that Jane Jetson would have a pill to solve that little problem. Unfortunately 21st century diet-pills are a) hard to come by, and b) make one a little jittery. If Hannah-Barbera had really though about it then the characters in the Jetsons would have had enormous arses. Since my own life greatly resembles a day in the life of Jane Jetsons, let me tell you a little story to explain.

I arise to my subtly-lit, centrally-heated home, brushing my teeth with a Braun 3000 electric toothbrush (no arm movement required), saunter into the kitchen for a flat white from the La Pavoni and prepare my morning smoothie with a flick of a switch. At this point the meowing of my darling tabby has become unbearable, so I feed her a single serve Chef meal, all the time listening to Concert FM. Finally, the crockery gets stashed in the dishwasher. Modern labour saving devices used so far: 8 - in less than half an hour.

So what to do? Well, weigh-loss isn't rocket science; either eat less, exercise more, or both. Unfortunately, the media and diet industry have become a bit confused about this simple equation. We hear reports of: the fat gene, the thin gene, the high protein diet, the low carb diet, Xenical pills, Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig's. Seriously, if it's a problem for you just get up and go for a walk. Don't eat that second helping of pie.

At the end of the day happiness is more important that skinniness, so as I see it we have two options: The first is to change the definition of obesity - I've always suspected that the Body-Mass-Index was been calibrated incorrectly, or accept the way we are today. And if you are worried about what others think, don't. I ran a survey on my website and found the 88% of you didn't want me to diet. Bless.

I was all ready to write a nice journal entry about the joys of taking a drive around the harbour at dusk. I had even taken a photo of the city lights across the water and all.

That was until I saw the front page of the Dominion Post, where I learned that Palmerston North Boys High School had banned hair products, and teachers would be conducting spot check by feeling boys hair for stickyness.

As a survivor of a brutal and uncaring state school system I feel compelled to speak out against this insanity. So I wrote this nice email to the Rector of Palmerston North Boys High School:

    Hi there,

    I read about Palmerston North Boys High Schools ban and hair products in the paper this morning.

    As a concerned citizen I would like to say that I have never, in my life, heard of anything more ridiculous.

    Even our All Blacks wear the hair product!

    I feel really quite sorry for your boys, whose fluffy un-producted hair is sure to be a source of ridicule for students who attend other school which promote personal grooming, and pride in appearance.

    LaQuisha Redfern


I'll keep you posted of any replies. Nothing upsets me like bad hair.